What's Your Story?

There is nothing new about seeing our lives as stories.  In Macbeth, Shakespeare defines life as “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  but as Jonah Lehrer notes in his post “Confabulations,” cognitive neuroscience suggests that stories are how we define ourselves.  This idea has an interesting practical application for the management of conflict.

We struggle to keep our view of the world consistent, and we unconsciously employ a number of techniques to reduce any cognitive dissonance.  When we argue with people, we often think that the force of our reason, or by reason of our force, we can convince them to see things our way.  But that’s not what happens.  Whatever we say is instead ignored or rationalized so that the story they are telling remains intact.

We can get huffy with righteous indignation as we see ourselves as the moral ones, but those we are in conflict with are doing the same.  Ultimately, our emotional outrage gets us nowhere, but the cortisol released, as Ellen Weber explains, does slow our brains down and makes us a bit more idiotic.  We would do better if we looked at the situation strategically.

If we use the self-reinforcing story as a frame to view those we’re arguing with, we get a much better understanding of what we’re up against.  Taking in both how they behave and what they say, we can get a pretty good idea of the story they’re telling, because it would be the same story we would tell in their shoes.  We can bet the main character’s behavior will be blameless.

With their story in mind, we can anticipate their responses to our words and deeds.  We can then determine what approach we need to take to sway them to our point of view, because it will be the same approach it would take to sway us if we were in their shoes. While it will vary from situation to situation, we can count on being more successful if we position what we need others to do as bolstering their self-esteem.

The feeling of righteous indignation is almost as enjoyable as forcefully conveying our righteous indignation to those we think at fault. Yet neither is as enjoyable as successfully resolving a conflict to our benefit.

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Smile and Your Enemies Will Smile with You

President Obama has received some criticism for smiling at Hugo Chavez, but I think it’s rather short-sighted. Regardless of how you feel about Chavez, or Obama for that matter, no one can disagree that both America and Venezuela will benefit from a better relationship. Obama’s smile may just be the best way to get one.

Neuroscience has taught us that our mirror neurons will mimic both the actions and intent of others, and experiments in social psychology have shown that we will assume the emotional state of those we interact with. If Obama frowns and feels displeasure when face-to-face with Chavez, there will be more reason for the President of Venezuela to continue his criticism of the U.S.  The relationship is liable to get worse.

When Obama is open and friendly in his greeting, however, Chavez is unconsciously prompted to be open and friendly in return.  Not only does that undercut his motivation to criticize the U.S., it makes it far more likely that a good working relationship can be created and conflicts resolved.

But those with a more Machiavellian turn of mind might see Obama as naive and Chavez as the kind that is quick to take unfair advantage.  They would insist that Obama display his toughness.  However, that point of view ignores one of the most powerful strategies for managing an adversarial relationship.

I was once the target of a frivolous lawsuit.  When it came time to depose the person suing me, I eagerly looked forward to my lawyer having at him.  Instead, my lawyer was easy going and friendly.  When I expressed my displeasure, my lawyer explained that his approach was the best way to get someone to drop their guard and make mistakes. Sure enough, his strategy worked and the lawsuit was dropped.

It may feel good in the moment to express our anger, but it’s a costly indulgence.  It’s much smarter to keep our goal in mind, and behave in the best way to accomplish it. Besides, when you’re tough, you don’t need to advertise it.

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